Terraforming Terra

So, we're probably going to get a 4 degree rise by 2060? Far from going out and terraforming other parts of our solar system, looks like we've got a little problem to deal with at home first.

However, what would happen if an interstellar mission, from the planet, Kula, looking for Kulaforming opportunities, happens across our small, slightly-used, blue-green planet? On the bridge of the starship "Nordic Social Model" (this is the nearest meaningful translation), the science officer speaks up.

"Captain, this planet could provide the perfect environment for sub-galactic living, if it wasn't for one of the native species running amock, and ruining the climatic equilibrium."

The crew might discuss solutions ranging from polite suggestions to the inhabitants, to bringing in the team from Planetary Rentokill, but lets just imagine what would happen if they just decided to land their tremendously-powerful spaceship, and sort things out.

In its first week the new planetary goverment would probably:

• Ban any chopping down of trees, without written permission from the Kulan forestry agency, (100 light years away), in triplicate
  
• Give people 30 days to decide where they hell they want to be, and then ban flying, on pain of vapourisation
  
• Fund walking, fanning and knitting lessons for North Americans
• Allow the removal of oil/coal/gas from the ground, only with a tree-planting receipt for each barrel/ton/large bag-full
• Circulate the simplified designs for the fusion reactor their species developed several thousand years ago.
  
• Start covering the Sahara with aluminium foil (or something like that...)

British cycling misses a trick or three

Apparently British cycling, and "British Cycling", are dismayed at the IOC's refusal to add more cycling events at London 2012 . Obviously, the potential for expanding the only Olympic discipline us Brits have any consistent ability in (cycling round and round a banked track, i.e. going nowhere), should be explored to the full.

However, I can't help feeling we've missed a trick or three. British Cycling should take a leaf out of the swimmers' book, where outmoded and inefficient methods of progress are awarded their own separate events. Butterfly across the channel anyone?

So, if Britain proposed adding a penny-farthing pursuit, a boneshaker sprint, and a unicycle keirin, who could possibly argue?

Furthermore, although, amazingly, Britain is not the only country where two people actually daft enough to try riding the one bicycle at the same time, tandem-cycling does open up a whole swathe of possibilities. For example, a team pursuit for just two bikes; or eight participants with four hacksaws.

Take it one step further, and you could make up a whole set of events for which Britain is guaranteed to have the only entry.